Thursday is the new Monday when it comes to starting a diet. 

That’s what I say. 

So my girlfriend and I…who have been thumping our chests and huffing and puffing at each other about how we’re going to start our diets on Monday…since…oh, maybe Valentines Day…solemnly promised each other last Friday that Enough is Enough Already and that we were going to start our diets FOR REAL on Monday. Then later that day…somehow…and don’t ask me how…I’m pretty sure it was an act of God…I actually caught a segment on Oprah…which I don’t even watch…ever…of Vera Wang talking about selling a line of clothes at Kohl’s… 

So… I figure it must be the Age of Aquarius again…the stars are aligned and the planets are  converging…shiny new house…finally hitting 46 freaking degrees…Vera Wang on the center aisle at Kohls…Cherie Bell finally shakin’ it up in the 2nd half…all the elements.  Finally, I’m thinking going into the weekend…this weight loss angst will soon be a thing of the past.   I’m fixing to glide as naturally and effortlessly into my skinniness as those women on the cover of Prevention Magazine.  

I wake up Monday morning, jump out of bed, eager to kiss my new boyfriend, Mr. Treadmill, and we take this amazing and satisfying walk together.   Later…much later…I’m hungry.  Hmmm…what do I want?  I think I’ll boil a few eggs and throw away the yolks and fill the hole with hummus!  That sounds YUMMY!  (don’t try this for Easter). 

Tuesday comes and I’m heading to Des Moines for that plans and specs deal.  I have to leave early, so I swing by Hardees on the way and grab a sausage biscuit for breakfast.  BUT…I don’t eat again, except for a teensy tiny granola bar Kate gave me at the lighting store…until we meet Caleb at Pataki for sushi and Japanese beer, which I think I ate and drank for about 3 hours.   

It’s all a little fuzzy now. 

Then yesterday I come dragging back from Des Moines, hauling in my computer and 50-pound overnight case and promptly flop on the couch and start filling out yet another mortgage loan application.  After that, I take a little nap since I’ve been awake since 3:30 a.m. …and then spend the rest of the afternoon and evening on the couch with my right brain forcing me to cruise the net and obsess about breakfast nook light fixtures (while taping American Idol results) and my left brain forcing me to snack on chips and chocolate and fingernails…while it obsesses about Chinese food (not the healthy kind) and tacos and warm mudslide cake.   

Sigh.

I think this all comes down to the fact that my chi is very retarded right now, owing to the fact that my house looks like a file cabinet exploded in the dining room (leftover from taxes which we took in on Friday) and the living room is full of newspapers and books and unread mail.  I knew it was bad this morning when the cat and I were competing for the one empty spot to sit on the love seat. 

I made my aunt Veta promise that if anything happens to me and I die prematurely and unfortunately she will drop everything, throw her dog and her Depends in the car, and speed to Iowa to clean up my house before everybody finds out what a slob I was.

Everything, and I mean EVERY STINKING PIECE OF PAPER IN MY HOUSE knows I’m moving and is pleading and whining:  I wanna go!  Take me with you!! 

I gotta get that Flylady chick on speed dial.

I’d write more, but I got to clean up and then recheck my chi in the mirror.