We’re not buying The Perfect House after all.  Seeing as how the city has plans to put in a big honkin’ 4-lane avenue on that far hill, just in front of those houses you can see in that picture of What Tom Likes.   We’ve pretty much been sucking air ever since. 

Love that house. 

     Hate noisy streets. 

Want that house!! 

     Always hated noisy streets… 

Waaaaa-nt that house!  

     Maybe that street won’t be THAT noisy? 

Then Tom figures out that there’s going to be a bridge across a ravine about 3 blocks from what would be our maintenance-free, nicely-sized deck. 

It was harder than it sounds, but we finally accepted…more or less…that we would be less than happy homeowners sitting on our beautiful deck, sipping our whatever, listening to traffic flappin’ in the cool of the evening. 

Which brings me to Item #11 on my Things that Scare the Crap Outta Me List:  Building a House. 

We’re talking now about having that same model house built on a different lot. 

Then…just to shake things up a bit…Bill the Realtor Guy took us out to see a lot in Urbandale that backs to trees, lots of them…it’s actually 60-acre game reserve…that may or may not survive the developers’ bulldozers when the nice old lady who won’t sell it now dies.  We saw deer in the neighbor’s yard.  And wild turkeys.  Great spot for Tom.   Nice spot for me, maybe. 

But very spendy and very different than the other places we’ve looked at as far as the neighborhood.  A HUGE variety in the houses and price points that are being built out there.  Just a few houses down is a house that sold in the high 500’s.  So, we would be the poor kids on the block, which I can live with investment wise…but there’s a lot more to it than that. 

More than I want to write or even think any more about right now…but suffice it to say that all house builders…and ½ million dollar homes… are not created equal.  I’ve never seen so many rich, fancy butt ugly houses in my life.  Which would be the builder we’d have to go with if we bought that nice, expensive lot. And, according to Bill the Realtor Guy, we could design our own home that they could build for us.  Which would REALLY be shakin’ it up in the second half, that’s for darn sure.

Sigh.   

I can’t decide if this being so picky crap is paying off for me.

Last week and weekend we were up in Park Rapids (MN) where Tom was raised and where his mom and dad still live, though Mom is in the nursing home now, in late stage Alzheimer’s.  Dad is still at home.   

Saturday, the kids (Lorie, w/new baby Declan and Jenny, w/new husband, Jeremy) came up from the Twin Cities and we brought Mom home from the nursing home for a day visit.  That evening we had a big fish fry of walleye and northern pike that Tom’s brother, Bob, caught ice fishing.   

We made Mom’s special recipe coleslaw and I made cornbread.  Cornbread with fried fish is something I have more or less introduced to the Bell clan…you know, like introducing my hillbilly DNA into theirs.  Dad still looks puzzled and slightly dismayed when it appears on the table, like I’m trying to trick him into eating something nasty for dinner, and he’s trying to figure out which would be better… to ignore it completely or eat it and then excuse himself to go barf.  

It’s always good to get together with Tom’s girls.  They are smart and funny and know how to tell stories.  My favorite kind of people.   

Jenny told one about something that happened to her and Jeremy recently that she said I could tell here.  It has become the new Funniest Story I’ve Ever Heard…replacing the one about my girlfriend, Patty, giving her Bichon Frisé, Elmo, the Heimlich maneuver in her front yard.   

I might have a few of the details wrong, but here’s the gist of it… 

Jenny married Jeremy last November.  Here’s a picture:  

Jenny and Jeremy

Cute, huh? 

It was a beautiful wedding and great reception and tons of fun for everybody.  Tom was a partying machine that night, and I actually had to drag him out the door over his protests that he wanted to stay and dance some more, which is sort of like…you know, I can’t even think of a comparison for this, because Tom NEVER, EVER wants to dance…  

But I digress… 

Anyway, Jenny had gotten a great deal on her wedding gown by buying it on craigslist.  After the pictures were back and the Thank You’s sent and the basement remodeling project started, being newly wed and short on cash…she decides to re-list the dress on craigslist.   

Here’s a link, in case you’re interested:  http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/clo/572933779.html 

Within hours of putting it on the web, Jenny gets a call from an interested party…Jason…who mentions that he’s looking for a wedding dress to wear in a drag parade. 

After a few phone calls back and forth, Jenny and Jeremy finally agree that $200 IS $200, after all.  So, ok.  It’s a very weird deal, granted, but they can really use the money.  And, if it can be this quick and easy to sell the dress…and move on, who are they to say that Jason’s call isn’t just another one of God’s mysterious ways of  blessing people?   

Nobody wants to miss a blessing, just because it’s not the one we’re looking for.  That’s what I say. 

They make plans for Jenny to drive over after work.  Jeremy will pick up the dress, veil, and petticoat, and they will all meet near the elevator at JC Penney, at Jason’s request.  Which just happens to be in close proximity to a family restroom, where he would very much like to try on the dress before he decides whether or not to buy it. 

Now, anybody who knows anything, knows that when you put on a wedding dress, you need an attendant or two…so after a few What the crap are we getting into? looks pass between Jenny and Jeremy, the three of them head into the family restroom… 

Where Jeremy guards the door and they both watch open mouthed while Jason…who (according to two credible witnesses) has one squinty eye, a hairy mole on his face and walks with a limp…starts happily stripping down to his flannel boxers. 

Can you help me with this? he asks brightly. 

Jeremy backs away while Jenny takes a big breath, gathers up the yards of fabric and flounce, and heads in. 

After a lot of rustling and wrestling of fabric, Jason manages to wiggle his plaid-clad  tushy in, and after finishing the lovely lace up job, Jenny remembers the petticoat and, before she can stop herself, asks if would he be interested in a crinoline skirt?   

Oh, oh, my, yes!  Oh, yes!!   

There’s no way Jenny is going to kneel down in front of Jason, while holding up the skirt so he can step into the petticoat (WAY too close to his Stranger Danger area)…and it’s obvious by now that Jeremy isn’t moving forward to volunteer, so Jason has to stuff the petticoat down inside the dress from the top down. 

Many minutes tick by while he oh-so-carefully pushes the petticoat down into the dress without taking it off.   

Jeremy flips the lock on the door, knowing full well they are now breaking the law in 14 states. 

When he finally has it all tucked in, Jenny has to lace him up AGAIN, tugging and twisting and trying to rearrange the dress on him without getting too close or touching anything (like his bare skin)…and seeing as how the guy has no boobies or anything to hold everything in place…well, it’s harder than you’d think to get a transvestite to look like a blushing bride in the family bathroom of JC Penney. 

Though when she’s finished, she admits that it’s actually a pretty decent fit, not counting the lack of buzzooms and all.  

Now, with the dress on, he reaches into a little box and pulls out a pair of white, wrist-length lace gloves, to complete his ensemble, though he sighs and wishes out loud that he had brought the elbow-length ones he has stashed in a mall locker.   

He wants the veil, too, so Jenny places it on his head, tiara and all, even pulling the blusher veil down over his face so he can check out the effect in the bathroom mirror. 

Dress, veil, gloves.  Perfect.  Jason is clearly delighted.   

Jenny and Jeremy…not so much. 

KNOCK.  KNOCK.  KNOCK.

No chance of sneaking out unnoticed now.  There’s a family (or mall security) just on the other side of the door, wondering what the heck could be taking so long. 

Please, please, please!  Take my picture with my cell phone?

Click. 

Another please! 

Click.   

One more? 

Click.  Click.  CLICK. 

He studies the images. 

So…Jason…are you interested in buying the dress?  Jeremy is tight-lipped, WAY past ready to close this deal and get the hell outta Dodge.  

Ummm…I’ll have to think about it and give you a call when I decide, he demurs.   

At this writing, he’s still thinking about it.  As are Jenny and Jeremy.  Who I’m sure will never, ever look at a family restroom the same way again.